Parental responsibility

Checklist for those parent with whom the child after separation from spouse or partner lives predominantly

1. I think: Children need both parents in general already - but that strikes us not to, with this father / mother that is not possible, not necessary or even harmful to the child?

2. I tell myself even, the child need his calm before the Father / Mother, although it basically finally needs rest before our dispute and before the hostility between us?

3. Clarify I "true" my child relentlessly open and honest about the background to his parents' divorce, even if it thereby gets a negative image from the other parent gives? If the child has access to divorce files, it reads lawyer letters? If it is considered by me "up to date"?

4. I believe it is my right to decide on the use and thus the relationship of the child with the other parent alone, to "allow" him or not, "give" him to the child or not?

5. Does it make me scared, it makes me sad, it makes me angry when my child is looking forward to the next (although he / she has done so much for me)? I react sad or hurt if my child tells how much fun it was to the other? Pleased me secretly, if it says it would much rather stayed with me? Or does my child already ceased to tell spontaneously and unselfconsciously about shared wonderful experiences with the other parent?

6. If the child is often cold on dealing days, invited etc., so that it can not go? If there are just about handling times more opportunities for me to do something special with the child? Lying just to the handling times voluntary extracurricular activities, such as handicraft courses or music lessons?

7. Eighth I to the minute, when my child will be picked up and brought back? I commend it only briefly to talk silently to the door, in front of the house, in the parking lot without the collection ends parent? If I let it go it alone the way from the car to the front door, because I do not want to see on the ground the other parent?

8. If I say, "You have now to your father / your mother go" although I think: "I'd rather, you stay"? Over I previously uneasily and I close it easier in her arms, when it finally is with me? I call frequently "there" on to hear if everything's okay? Admonish, I take good care of the child when it comes to the other parent, as if it were there exposed to an undetermined risk?

9. It seems to me very handy when the child says it does not want to go? I respect this child will be only too happy? Maybe I support him even more than the child to regular contact with his father / his mother to encourage?

10. Am I disappointed and hurt when it comes back with the pain of parting? Is it hard for me to see that as a normal separation reaction?

11. I take automatically, without further ask the child's party when the other parent is in trouble, even though I thereby undermining its education authority?

12. I ask the child from under the privacy for new partners of the other parent, and then use the information more or less pejorative?

13. I expect, of course, that the child holds to me when I fight with my partner earlier (married)? I refer the child as an ally, as an arbitrator, as a comforter etc. in the dispute with a?

14. Are the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins ​​from the family of the other parent and its former friends suddenly no longer dealing for the child?

15. I plan my child again to give my adopted earlier girls or new married name?

16. I think, to have the new partners found the ideal father / the ideal mother, so that children no longer need the previous parent?

17. I close the other family celebrations, such as school enrollment, high school graduation, confirmation, communion, grandparents birthdays etc., since the separation principle from? Am I relieved when my family and my friends also find the correct and right?

18. Under Binding I access the other parent to the school, to doctors, in case of illness to the clinic, to therapists and extracurricular activities?

19. I play with the thought of a move as far away from the other parent without compelling personal or professional reasons?

20. I have developed a strategy to me by all means to create allies in my environment and in the institutions involved with the aim to maintain the sole power to decide on all aspects of the child and to exclude the other parent from the child's life as possible?

21. Am I afraid to share the love of my child with the other?

22 maybe I have fear of losing my child to the other?


The more questions are answered with "yes", the greater the likelihood that over the child lived unresolved own feelings from the broken partnership as deep hurt, loss of self-esteem, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, fear, anger and revenge and are reacted. Many of these emotions may still come from our family of origin and there experienced painful experiences of separation and rejection.

At the beginning of the separation process a certain amount of ill-considered influencing the children against abandoned or leaving partners in occurs virtually all parents. However, in the course of processing of separation, this tendency decreases and parents will realize how much right now their children need the assurance that they will be "divorced" from either of the two most important people in their lives.

However, if a parent towards the child from the other draws a despicable enemy, this child is inflicted damage, which is hardly ever make amends. The parent of an anticipated and followed the child devaluation, denial and rejection of the other parent leaves the child's soul deep scars.

Therefore, the targeted hostile influence of children against the other parent is a blatant form of mental child abuse. The self-esteem of each child and his uninjured identity depend on whether it can, even after the separation from both parents retain a positive image and its relationship to live freely with them. Children want to be proud of their parents, two "valuable" (not perfect!) To have parents, forms the basis for an intact self-esteem. Children also know the weaknesses of their parents, they are usually more tolerant and generous than their parents show up against children weaknesses

The young adults who recognize what they have irretrievably lost by the coalition with an implacable parent who call often on this profoundly disappointed. You feel used, abused and betrayed. Young adults are proud of their parents, the "fair and square" behaved in separation process.

Cooperating parents who pass through the processing process of separation and divorce, increase their own life and relationship quality short and long term considerably. You see how mutual understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation are possible and thus the unencumbered path to a liveable future and in new relationships is free.